Going to the gym is hard. Sometimes just getting the motivation to leave the house seems impossible and why is your front door so far away from your couch? Do you ever wish there was an easier way to get the benefits of a rigorous workout without putting on pants? Then I have great news for you. A study from John Hopkins University discovered that raisins contain a chemical that can improve organ function, circulation, muscle growth, and bone density even more efficiently than a Pilates class you despise. Yeah, you heard me: Raisins! Scientists also discovered that a glass of red wine had a similar effect.
Scientists tested this powerful antioxidant on a lucky sample group of rodents that were fed raisins, while the control group was fed nothing at all and rode tiny stationary bikes.
“The results were so astounding that we immediately approved testing a daily dose of raisins on diabetic patients,” said Dr. Richard Sandino. “The treated group was also given a bottle of wine and a small dose of medicinal marijuana.”
This is fantastic news for doctors and raisin-lovers everywhere, but don’t expect your doctor to tell you to eat more raisins. He’s probably afraid you won’t be able to stop! Keep in mind that moderation is key. You can have too much of a good thing, even something as good as raisins.
You may reap some other well-known benefits that come from making raisins a staple of your diet.
“The test group had fewer instances of cancer, arthritis, fine lines and wrinkles, dementia, and lived longer than the subjects that did not consume raisins,” Dr. Sandino adds. “We also observed this effect in subjects that habitually consume red wine, pistachios, and have regular oral sex.”
More studies on human subjects still need to be conducted, but that could take decades. Why wait? We say if it’s good enough for the rats, then it’s good enough for us. Please, pass the raisins!
This holiday season Victoria’s Secret launches its sexiest line of iconic lingerie yet: The Unbearably Sexy Collection.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: More than twenty years ago, the cutting edge designers at Victoria’s Secret were able to define the peak echelon of sexiness by means of a mathematical formula. The resulting sexiness reached an astronomical level never beheld by human eyes, so sexy that the American consciousness wasn’t ready for it yet. The magnitude of sexiness could not be unleashed upon our society prematurely without doing significant damage to the human psyche.
The floral lace prototypes created for the Unbearably Sexy Collection were locked in the Victoria’s Secret vault for over two decades while the surviving lingerie designers dedicated themselves to creating and curating collections for a still delicate population. Each collection increased in sexiness by moderate degrees and over the years inoculated the public against dangerously high levels of sexiness. Most Americans are unaware that we regularly come into contact with levels of sexiness that were once considered lethal in 1994. Today more than twenty states have laws regulating sexiness to protect public health. The designers calculated that by the year 2015, human beings would at last be able to tolerate the Unbearably Sexy Collection with minimal side effects.
“This is the Secret we’ve been referring to all along,” says CEO Andrea Ferris.
After decades of progressing towards increasingly arousing undergarments, this lingerie brand has finally reached the climax. This line represents the highest levels of sexiness a human being could conceive of without suffering an orgasm and immediately falling into a coma.
“The collection features twilight blue satin pushup bras that bump you up five cup sizes and more complex strap systems than ever before,” boasts designer Vittorio Cavanna. “Twenty years ago when I first unveiled this design, two of my closest friends were killed instantly. This collection is for them.”
There are still some at Victoria’s Secret who believe that these revolutionary designers have gone too far with lingerie technology. Others suggest that we need more time to fully understand the nature of extreme sexiness, that we must further investigate the effects of long-term exposure. Several employees have opted to leave the brand citing ethical reasons.
“This is only the beginning,” brand strategist Antonio Milano explains. “The future of lingerie involves identifying sexiness that exists outside of the spectrum visible to the human eye. I predict that in five years, Victoria’s Secret will be pioneers in that territory. This isn’t just about lingerie anymore, it’s about the human organism evolving to perceive and appreciate a level of sexiness that our ancestors could not even detect. They would have just been killed instantly.”
The line will be released throughout the brand in November of 2014, just in time for the holiday season.